Goodbye 2004 By Jon Jon

So, it's 2005 and what have I learned. Well, I can start off saying I’m really happy about this upcoming new year. For the first time New Years really means something to me. 2004 was a bad year for me, a really bad year. I mean, all these things happened to me that appear quite exciting, but I’ve always found love of life in the smallest and simplest of moments. Simplicity was lost in 2004.

You know when I’m the most happy? When I’m sitting at a bar with friends whom I love unconditionally and love me just the same. I love talking about insignificant things that make me think. I love laughing as hard as I laugh when I’m with those friends. Nothing can compare to that.

2004 was when I forgot who I was, but somehow had to articulate how I felt. That’s a scary combination. Everything I did seemed like I was doing it for someone else. Everything I said was for anyone to hear. I lost my ability to be spontaneous, and I do regret that.

Just like any kind of experience, you learn and grow but I learned something about the people I considered my closest friends and family that I would never have had the opportunity to truly learn otherwise. Problem is, I don’t know if I liked what I learned, and now blissful ignorance in that department seems quite appealing. Part of the reason why I felt so isolated and unhappy the second half of last year was because I lost alot of my faith in love. Love for friends, love for my family, but most importantly I stopped loving myself altogether. I know I do have people out there who seem to care a little about who I am but the problem was caring for them in return.

Truthfully, I get scared. I like attention, but I like earning it. I feel uncomfortable, paranoid, and a bit scared when I get attention from just walking down the street. I’m not saying that I hate it when I’m approached, but sometimes I feel this strange responsibility to someone who approaches me. It’s not that scenario that really makes me scared, it’s when someone makes a demand on me as if I owe him/her something.

Empathy is the most important quality a human could have. We are not alone in this world. We share a very small planet with quite a few people, and if we don’t try to understand each other and work through differences of opinion, then this world won’t last very long. You cannot tell someone to understand where you’re coming from if you do not make any effort to understand where they are coming from. Over the summer, I realized that nobody understood what I did or how I felt, they only cared about what they wanted from me and that was why I was so upset halfway through in 2004.

If you read my past entries, you can see that I was having a really hard time with myself. I didn’t like myself very much. A lot of that did come from the inside of me, but a lot came from the outside world as well. For someone who cares way too much what other people think of me, it was the hardest thing on earth to know that the worse criticism came from my own family and best friends. It killed me. All these people thought they knew who I was, and it was that thought that made me lose my grounding. It’s not that I didn’t understand because I’ve felt that way in the past, but it didn’t matter. It was happening to me, and that was the strangest part. I couldn’t even handle the compliments because I didn’t feel they were deserved. How could someone tell me I’m a good person if they didn’t even know me? The identity-crisis thickened, and now I was a bad person on top of all the other shit that was emotionally draining me.

So, I withdrew. I couldn’t hold the weight of their opinions of me. I had to forget about it and refocus on myself so that I could remember why I loved myself. I stopped communicating altogether. I stopped checking the mailbox completely. I stopped going online. I stopped talking about myself. I spent so much time in my room and refused to go out. I tried my hardest to shrink my life back down to size. It was only then that I began to remember myself.

Thing is, I couldn’t give to others because I had nothing left to give. I gave my whole half of a year to the world, I needed the second half back to me. I resented the world too much for trying to get something from me. I had to take time to rebuild myself, to regain some strength so that I could like myself enough to care about anyone else. I fully believe in that the saying that you can’t love another until you love yourself. I couldn’t be good to others until I took care of my own emotional, spiritual, and rational self. Now that I feel strong again, now that I have confidence, I am ready to be born again. It’s a new and beautiful year. And I cannot wait to live life and stop hiding in my white bedroom.

Everyone feels despondent at times and you are no exception. You are feeling so depressed because it seems that everything that could go wrong has gone wrong and you don't quite know which way to turn. So like the proverbial ostrich you are trying to bury your head in the sand. But that won't work - you have to face reality.

You are very self-sufficient and methodical. You presume to know where you are going but need to find a person who will recognize the way you are, not be too demanding and who is, as they say in Italy, 'Simpatico'.

You are confined and trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way out. Whatever you seem to do to resolve the problem hasn't worked out. Fortunately you are able to gain some aspect of relief from someone close to you.

For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted. Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. You are loath to trust people, as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. At this moment in time your attitude is to trust nobody - until they can prove themselves to you.

At this time you don't particularly like yourself. Everything that you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong. This makes you feel that there is no point in trying to start again. Apart from being stressed and tense, you are angry with yourself and have un-admitted self-contempt. Your refusal to admit that you and you alone is the basic cause of your problems leads to you adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude. If you take stock of yourself, smile a little and let go, everything will turn out OK. Have you not heard of the cliché 'smile and the world smiles with you - cry and you cry alone!'?

The Meaning Of Friendship by Jon Jon

"Silence is the true friend that never betrays.." - Confucius

In my lifetime I have met many people of whom I have called friends at one time or another.  But what really makes a friend.  Is it spending time in the mall, talking on the phone, or laughing with one another?  Many people have lowered their standards of friendship to this level.  No names will be included, but needless to say the list could be endless.  Yet what should a friend really be to gain such an honor, or what should be an honored title as a Friend.  Should a friend be judged on looks such as a certain height, weight, or shape?  Or what about age, should a friend be older or younger? Lets not forget their job.  I mean a friend has to be rich right?  NO!!!!!  All of these qualities should be meaningless.  Yet some people just can't get over those pointless things about a person.  A friend, in my view, should be judged according to their personality.  How they act towards you and others.  A friend should be compassionate and understanding.  A friend shouldn't be hesitant to call you. They should be kind and supportive.  They should be there when you need them most, and they should always be looking out for you, before themselves.  If friendship were to be raised to such a high pedestal, how many could one really call "Friends?"  Two or even three on a rare occasion.  Some could be as fake as the bags in Chinatown. Friendship is a word that has been abused and destroyed.  It is very rare that someone would put this meaning to friendship.  Yet everyone should just try it once and see who their friends truly are, and who they have wasted the term on.  The dictionary at least states it well:  "Person attached to another by personal regard for the well being of one another."  Should this relative term friend ever be used in the manner it was originally intended, I'm proud to say that I would have a very good friend. I've wasted too much time and patience trying to please everyone and gain nothing in return. In the end, I'm always going to be alone. And that's just fine with me.